Bingeing

Okay, let's try this stupid post again. I think even though bingeing is not officially considered an eating disorder, it probably should be. On Saturday night, I had an urge to binge and I've been having those urges a lot lately. I had a massive craving for Taco Bell. It was midnight and I assumed they were open. I was wrong. They had closed at 11:00! So disappointing. Wendy's was closed. Sonic was closed. So I decided to drive the twenty minutes to Winder for McDonald's because I knew that they had an all-night drive-thru and I had to binge on SOMETHING! Of course I was trying to find all this food even though I had tons of food in my house (but all of it was healthy, not binge-worthy at all!). When I got to Winder, I discovered that Wendy's was open and Taco Bell was open as well. Woo-hoo! Their drive-thru was actually open until 2:00 am. I never thought I would say it, but Winder, Georgia rocks. Seriously. So I bought tons of food and ate until I felt sick to my stomach.

That was really bad because I am trying to lose weight right now. For an entire month I was depressed and I did nothing but eat and sleep. Now I have an added 5 pounds and I have to nip that in the bud. It's a lot easier to lose 5 pounds than 15. So I'm trying to eat only 1100 calories a day (if that) and I'm exercising like a freakin maniac. I'm trying to exercise about two hours a day. My dad let me move his treadmill to my apartment once again so now I get to workout while I watch TV. Yay!

Sunday I spent the day with my dad, my sister, my nephew, and my sister's boyfriend. I took my dad out for his birthday and it was so exhausting to soend time with my sister as well. I mentioned the fact that I would be volunteering at the battered women's shelter and my dad made a really condescending remark. He said he didn't want to hear about it because I was just going to be babysitting. What the hell did that mean? I have no idea when my family lost their empathy, but they've lost it. I'm just wandering if it's even possible for my family to be supportive of my choices. I really don't think so. They weren't even supportive of my decision to go to grad school. I don't even want any of them to come to my grad school graduation because they didn't give me support. So basically there were about two people who were supportive of my decision (Kim and Seth), so I probably won't even go to my grad school graduation. But then again, if I don't make it through the class I'm in now, I may not graduate at all. Oy.

Well I've made the arrangements for Laura's wedding. The plane tickets have been bought, the hotel reservations have been made, and the gift has been purchased. I just have to figure out what to wear. Unfortunately, Cindy isn't coming. That kind of sucks. I was looking forward to seeing her. It won't be the same without her. I wish I could convince Cindy to save up money to fly to Georgia, but she's never going to do it. But I like it when people come visit me. Unfortunately, I'm never going to get her to get rid of this stereotype that she has of Georgia, though.

Stupid Blogger

Damn blogger just lost a post I spent an hour writing. I'm tired from 2 hours of exercise and spending the day with my sister. I'll repost at a later time.

100 things about me. . .

I have seen several people in different blogs do this, so I thought it would be fun to do it too. I'm sure that there are quite a few things in here that my friends will be surprised to know about me. Hope you find it interesting.

1. I have freckles and have grown to love every single one of them.
2. I love making lists.
3. My birthday says that I am a Taurus and my personality would have to agree.
4. I procrastinate whenever I can.
5. I love to swim. . .
6. but I’m scared of swimming in the ocean.
7. I’m scared of heights and escalators.
8. My favorite color is blue.
9. I despise any kind of bean or pea there is. However, I do adore chili.
10. My grandfather gave all four of his granddaughters nicknames when we were babies. Mine was “Reuder.” I have no idea what it means and the one time I tried to ask him, he gave me this long story about how I used to drink the little coffee creamers straight out of the container when I was a (very young) child.
11. I want to open my own non-profit organization one day.
12. From the age of 7 until about 21, I was not able to eat a single waffle because of a traumatic childhood experience.
13. I am one of the most supportive people you will ever meet.
14. I can’t drink milk unless it’s accompanied by something sweet or in cereal. The thought of drinking plain white milk by itself makes me sick. Sometimes if I have a craving for milk, I’ll even eat something sweet just so I can drink the milk.
15. I once lived in a two bedroom trailer with 7 people (including myself).
16. I despise most Reality T.V. (especially the Bachelor and the Bachelorette)
17. . . . but I love American Idol and the Apprentice
18. My favorite movies are Gone with the Wind and Chicago.
19. I still love stuffed animals and my favorite is a purple monkey that a guy I know (Luke) won for me a couple years ago.
20. I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol.
21. I hate the taste of beer.
22. I am learning to accept compliments with a “Thank you” instead of thinking that the person couldn’t possibly have meant what he or she just said.
23. Since I lost weight, there are still some days where I see myself as fat. But I am working on that.
24. I have a hard time saying no to people (especially when it comes to sex and food).
25. When I have kids, I want to adopt (hopefully several from other countries).
26. I think that things like prostitution and drugs should be legalized.
27. The smell of pancakes and coffee reminds me of my grandfather.
28. My happiest childhood memories are when I spent weekends with my grandparents.
29. My biggest regret is that I didn’t spend enough time with my grandfather before he died.
30. I am a TV junkie and my favorite shows (currently still on the air) are: Simpsons, Will and Grace, Desperate Housewives, Nip/Tuck, and Boston Legal
31. I like soap operas.
32. I have had two stepfathers. Both of them were named John. Both of them were construction workers. Also, both of them were abusive to my mother (one physical and one verbal).
33. I listen to country music when I’m really depressed.
34. I sing aloud in the car all the time, even though I can’t sing.
35. I love karaoke.
36. I was glad when my parents got divorced.
37. Even though I know the statistics on divorce, I still believe that some marriages can last forever.
38. I don’t believe in soulmates.
39. I was baptized a Christian, but changed my beliefs as I grew older and was able to think for myself. I am now an atheist.
40. I don’t agree with the death penalty.
41. My sexual libido rivals that of any man.
42. When I’m at home, I spend 85% of my time naked because I hate clothes and find them confining.
43. I love exercise.
44. I am very opinionated about almost everything.
45. I love to read
46. . . . and can spend hours just browsing in a bookstore.
47. I love to dance, even though I know I have no rhythm.
48. Growing up, I was not able to have chocolate cake for my birthday because my sister hated chocolate (even though it was what I wanted). I got my first chocolate birthday cake on my 23rd birthday from my best friend and roommate in college, Cindy #2.
49. My pet peeves include liars, prejudice of any kind, and people who don’t use their turn signals.
50. I didn’t receive my driver’s license until I was 20 years old.
51. As a very young child, my favorite book was “Are you my mother?” by Dr. Seuss. It is also the first book I ever learned to read and I still have that same book today.
52. I am very sentimental.
53. I am fiercely loyal to anyone that I love and care about.
54. I love to act like a kid.
55. I love Disney movies with a passion (especially the animated ones)
56. . . . but I have an intense dislike for all Disney sequels.
57. My favorite board game is Scrabble
58. . . . and I can beat you even when I’m drunk (I’m that good).
59. I think that “hate” is a very strong word and I try not to use it on people (even on my ex boyfriends).
60. I have only used the word “hate” when talking about one person in my life and for this person, the word fits.
61. My favorite food is lasagna.
62. I have a huge sweet tooth and adore chocolate and cheesecake.
63. . . . However, I don’t like chocolate cheesecake that much because the taste of the chocolate overpowers the taste of the cheesecake and I don’t like that.
64. My favorite smells are gasoline and vanilla (not at the same time though).
65. I refuse to say that roses are my favorite flower because I think it’s too cliché and too much like every other woman in the world.
66. I have no favorite flower. I just like any flower that is bright and colorful.
67. I have no favorite season. My favorite season is always whatever season I happen to be in at the moment.
68. However, my least favorite season is Georgia in the middle of summer.
69. I love snow and cold weather.
70. My favorite Disney movie is Little Mermaid.
71. I had a dog who died my freshman year of college and I still miss her.
72. I stole a candy bar as a child and I still feel guilty about it today.
73. I have Charcot Marie Tooth, a form of muscular dystrophy.
74. I have been getting migraines since I was three years old.
75. During high school, I was home schooled for almost an entire year because my migraines got so bad.
76. I hate everything about bananas (the taste, the smell). Ugh.
77. I have never been able to snap my fingers (weird I know, but I just don’t have that ability).
78. I have never tried contacts because I don’t like the thought of putting something in my eye.
79. I’m attracted to men with accents, men who can sing, and I love hot men with stubble. That is such a hot look.
80. My very first job was a telemarketer when I was 15. I have been a telemarketer once more since then and because of that, I have an enormous amount of respect for them. I can’t hang up on them because I feel guilty.
81. Ants are the only living thing I don’t mind killing. I can’t bring myself to kill anything else ( even spiders).
82. I am more scared of George Bush than I am of any terrorist.
83. I would like to be a foster mother one day.
84. Martha Stewart really gets on my nerves.
85. When I was young, I wanted to be a judge for the Supreme Court.
86. My dream job used to be becoming a phone actress. . . . and now I’m living the dream.
87. My biggest fear is that I will turn out just like my mother.
88. Throughout my life, I have been a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead. . . and I’m kind of digging my natural hair color.
89. I’m learning to love my body and accept that there are things about it that I will never be able to change.
90. I was able to give up caffeinated beverages cold turkey for 17 months
91. . . . and promptly fell off the wagon when I recently became stressed out.
92. I love French Vanilla cappuccinos.
93. I have never had a single cavity
94. . . . even though there was a period of time when I did not visit the dentist for 6 years.
95. The fact that I have a horrible mother has made me realize that family doesn’t necessarily mean blood. I have friends that I consider family.
96. I am too clumsy to wear high heels.
97. I love shopping, but hate shopping for shoes.
98. I strongly dislike people who slow down when they see a car accident on the side of the road. . . it causes traffic jams people!
99. I put jalapenos in my tuna fish.
100. I have had a horrible childhood, but I think that it has made me a much stronger person and I am learning to come to terms with everything that has happened.

My Break from Dating

I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again. It is really hard being a single woman with stupid men preying on you all the time. I am so glad that I am taking a break from dating because these men are sooo not inspiring me to get back out there. All they're interested in is sex. I'll be talking to one and just making small talk and then all of a sudden, he's talking about sex. Maybe it's the fact that I tell them I'm taking a break from dating. Maybe they think that's an invitation for casual sex. Although I do mention that I'm not into that either. . . at least, not anymore. But somehow I don't think that would make much of a difference.

Don't get me wrong. I love sex as much as the next person and my libido is probably higher than a lot of men's. I just think there should be more to a relationship than sex. Duh. And I'm just really tired of being treated like a sexual object. I wish a guy would start talking to me online and I wish he would actually have some interest in getting to know me. Too much to hope for, I know. It would be nice to be friends with a guy first. All I know is that I just got out of a relationship where the guy just used me and I won't do that again. I'm paying attention to red flags this time. I'm not sure how much longer this break is going to last, but as long as I'm talking to men who are only interested in one thing, I'm not going to be inspired to get back out there. So for right now, I'm enjoying not getting mauled by some creep. It's relaxing and I would much rather be by myself.

Before and After

This post is just a tribute to all the progress that I have made in the last year and a half with my weight loss. Above are before and after shots of my progress. The first picture was taken while I was attending the University of Rochester in the spring of 2003. The picture below that was taken during a trip to L.A. about two months ago.

Yesterday, my grandmother and I went to visit with this friend of hers, Frances. Frances is very nice and everything. There's only one problem. Every single time I see her, she comments on all the weight that I've lost and says how great I look. I know what you're asking yourself: What's the problem, right? Well, the problem is that I don't always want to be known as "The girl who used to be fat." I'd like to be known as more than just that. Every time Frances talks to me on the phone, she asks me, "So you still keeping that weight off?" That's a problem too. Those comments make me nervous. Anyone who used to be overweight can tell you that it is a constant struggle to maintain your weight loss. Once you go from fat to skinny, you don't want to go back.

I am proud of the fact that I've lost so much weight. I love myself now. I just think that people should appreciate me more than just for how flat my stomach is. Personally, I never really thought of myself as fat. Overweight, yes. Fat. . . not really. My grandmother jokes and says that I was fat "in a funny way." I don't know what that means. You see the pictures above. You be the judge of whether I was fat or not.

I saw an interesting Dr. Phil episode yesterday about how attractive people are treated better in society. Studies even show that taller people make more money. Interesting. Of course, attractive people are treated better. People like pretty, thin people. There was a woman on there who treated one daughter better than the other because she was much more attractive. She was embarrassed to be seen with her own daughter because she was overweight. Of course her daughter is 7 and she will give her 2 hamburgers for dinner, while she gives the "pretty" one only one hamburger. But according to her, she has no responsibility for her daughter's weight problem. Her daughter also has this skin disease that gives her a kind of rash on her arms and stuff. I think that her mother is ashamed of having an unattractive daughter and her daughter sees this, so she comforts herself with food and thus, becomes overweight. Dr. Phil apparently agreed. I guess it isn't tough to analyze that one. I know what it's like to comfort yourself with food anyway.

There was another guest on the show who would only let her kids play with other pretty kids. She even told her child that she couldn't play with another child whose mom was fat because "she's not our kind." And you know what the best part was? The mom saying this was overweight herself! How can you be that shallow? She wanted to ask Dr. Phil how she could stop herself from doing stuff like that. His response? STOP DOING IT! I think she thought that he would blame it on her mother or something and that there would be some deep, dark reason for her behavior. He said that wasn't the case and it was a conscious choice. Good for him.

I wish we didn't live in a society that focused so much on looks and so little on what's inside. But as I say this, I'm still worried about gaining a few extra pounds or getting out of shape again. I still worry that I'm not unattractive enough. It's hypocrisy, I know. But I can't help it. I do want to say that I am proud of how far I've come because in my case, it is healthier that I be 50 pounds lighter. I feel great and yes, I am proud to say that I look great. So I'm shallow. Sue me.

Faking It

I have to admit that I don't enjoy my job quite the way I used to. I used to get a kick out of it. It is fun pretending to be someone else with different guys and to be sexy and turn them on. Of course, it's not me who is turning them on. I'm just playing a character. I'm not going to say my character's name because if any of my callers happen to read my blog, I would hate to destroy their fantasy that they are indeed talking to a real person.

I have been getting a lot of calls from guys who apparently don't care what I look like at all. I am giving a fake description, but who exactly is he thinking about if he doesn't even know what I look like? And if he's fantasizing about some other woman, what's the point in calling? But I shouldn't ask that because then I would be out of a job. The other day, I did have this caller who really couldn't tell that I was faking it. Granted, I fake it with every single call. But this one was taking so long and he wasn't even paying attention to whether I was moaning or not. Eventually, I actually did a fake moan on purpose. As in, I wasn't even trying to put excitement in my voice. I was basically just making noises to let him know I was still there. He did not know the difference. I'm pretty sure he was a virgin. I can tell these things.

I'm getting pretty good at being able to tell the virgins and the underage callers. Of course with the virgins, I never ask. It would embarrass them and they would just lie anyway. With underage callers, I just ask their birthday and keep a calculator handy. When I asked one caller what year he was born, he said, "I forgot." One caller told me he was 18 and when I asked what year he was born, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean 18. I meant to say 21." What am I? Stupid? I hang up on them as soon as possible when I know they are under 18. Stupid minors.

The end of the call is what I love the most. I never know what to expect. I really despise the guys who just hang up on me. Really, if there are men reading this who actually engage in phone sex, you should realize there is another person on the other end of the line and be respectful of that. I like the polite ones who say, "That was wonderful. Thank you." Then they hang up. I've even had some ask for my extension number so they can call me back (hey I am pretty good if I do say so myself). Then. . . there are the talkers. Some feel obligated to talk to you. It's almost like a boyfriend who wants to cuddle and you just want him to roll over and go to sleep. I really try not to reveal any personal information. And mainly, I talk about my fictional boyfriend. The talkers aren't bad because I do get paid the longer I keep them on the phone. But since they're only using me for my voice, it gets a little awkward. It's not like we have anything in common. Oh, the joys of the phone sex industry.

Confessions

The other night, I was talking to my aunt Pam and we were discussing her love life. I know it may seem weird to talk about that stuff with her, but it was nice to talk with her like an adult. We weren't really talking about sex, just about the fact that the guy she's currently seeing is driving her crazy. But men do that. I made the decision to confide in her about what I've been going through. I know I said I wasn't going to tell my family, but I figured that she would be the one person in my family who wouldn't be judgmental and who would keep her mouth shut as well.

Most of my friends know what's been going with me. . . the ones who care anyway. Cindy, Laura, Kim, and Seth have been amazingly supportive. I've decided to go ahead and "come clean" with my diagnosis via blog. My reason is that there are 20 million Americans who have what I have and yet, there is still a lot of misinformation out there and people still hide it because they are ashamed of it. So here goes. I was diagnosed with having the HPV virus, an STD. Even though it's a really common one, I really didn't know that much about it. But I'm learning. It's not curable. It's also the leading cause of cervical cancer in women. But apparently there are 52 different strains of the virus and they aren't sure if I have the strain that could cause cancer. And they won't know unless I take some $400 test to determine the strain. Well, I'm not taking that test.

This is just a little gift left over from my relationship from Robert. I did call him when I found out. I have no idea if he knew before he was with me or not. Men can have the virus in their system for years without having any symptoms. Robert acted like he had never had any symptoms and he was very nice. He asked how I was doing, blah, blah, blah. He said he would call the next day. That was three weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since. That's okay because I really don't want to hear from him again. Ever. He was a selfish jerk and I know that. It's been really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have this. I feel angry and depressed and like I'm just a big slut.

I feel really guilty for even going out with Robert to begin with. The funny thing is I didn't even want to go out with him. But I did. I wish I could go back to that day and change my mind. But I can't go back in time as much as I want to. What really scares me is that I hear all these stories about how guys reject women time and time again when they hear that they have this. So I'm just afraid that I'm not going to be able to find anyone who'll accept me.

My aunt was very understanding. She did offer to give me the Republican Chrisian speech about how I'm an evil sinner who's going to hell if it would make me feel better. Haha. She told me I should probably go to a real doctor, instead of just the Health Department, which I'm going to do. My medication isn't going to work, so I'm going to have to get the doctor to use liquid nitrogen, which is basically acid. It's going to be painful and I'm not looking forward to going to the doctor alone. Then I have to worry about keeping my immune system healthy so I don't have any more outbreaks. Fabulous. Maybe if there are people out there reading this who have it too, they'll know that they aren't alone. It's so much more common than you think.

I think my depression may be easing up a little bit. I'm going to try to throw myself into my school work so that I don't have time to think about it. I will also start volunteering soon for Partnership Against Domestic Violence. It's a shelter for battered women. I'll be working the crisis line and sometimes I'll help take care of the children that are there. I've already attended one training class. I just have to wait for my background check to clear before they can tell me where the shelter is. And then I have to attend another training for the crisis line. That will be something to keep me busy.

I have to start making plans for Laura's wedding. I have to figure out hotel arrangements and when I'm flying up there. I guess I'll stay in the hotel where the wedding is if I can. I don't know what Luke and Cindy are doing or anything. I'll figure it out. I can't wait to see her get married. And I've never been to D.C. Of course I don't know if I'll be there long enough to see much. Depends on when I go, I guess. I wasn't really looking forward to going at first because of everything that's been going on. But I figured that seeing my friends and getting the hell out of Georgia will be the best medicine I need. A change of scenery will do me good. Even though my love life is a mess, seeing Luke and Laura get married will give me hope. And I wouldn't miss their wedding for anything.

A Need for Antidepressants?

When a tin of cookies reduces you to tears, is that a hint that something is wrong? I know it seems weird, but it's probably just a sign of my impending emotional breakdown. Eventually, I believe that I will have to be committed to a mental institution.

In case anyone is keeping score, I am still quite depressed. It's not getting better. It's getting worse, actually. Half the time I feel like I'm just going through the motions with everything and I feel like a zombie. I fell off the wagon and I'm back on caffeine. I've been pigging out on junk food to ease the pain. Believe me, it doesn't help. I'm like an alcoholic, but with food. And I've gained a couple of pounds. Probably because I lack the energy or the motivation to exercise. I did go to the gym the other day on my way to school, but I couldn't make myself get out of my car. That was weird. I spent time with my sister while my mom was out of town because I didn't want to be alone. I'm not scared to be alone. But being alone means I think. And thinking is bad. I'm so depressed that I actually considered not attending Laura's wedding. There are just going to be so many people there. But I already sent out the RSVP card telling her yes and besides, I wouldn't miss her wedding for anything. So don't worry Laura. I'll be there and I'll force myself to put a smile on my face. I've actually considered going to a psychiatrist and going on antidepressants, but I really don't want to go that route. Even though I'm a psych major, I don't really believe in the use of drugs except as a last resort.

Most of my friends know the cause of my depression and they've been great. Most of them anyway. It's been really hard to try to deal with my diagnosis and try to stay healthy. How the hell am I supposed to stay healthy anyway? The nurse wasn't really clear on that part. I've had to adjust to things and try different medications to get rid of the symptoms I do have, none of which are working. If this medication I'm using now doesn't work, then I may have to go to the doctor to have this painful surgery type thing done. I have to give this medication at least 16 weeks to work first. Joy. Is it any wonder I'm depressed? Seth tells me not to think about it. Easy for him to say. He doesn't have this huge diagnosis hanging over his head that's going to effect the rest of his life. I'm just not adjusting very well. I haven't told my family, even though they can kind of tell something is wrong. I feel kind of guilty about that, but I really can't deal with their reaction right now. I can barely deal with my own reaction.

I did decide to take a break from dating. I can't deal with relationships right now on top of everything else. Apparently, that's a great pick-up line. There is a guy who wants to go out with me. I told him I wasn't dating anyone. Then he suggested that maybe we get together for casual sex instead. Um, I'm not doing that either. Besides, he lives a couple of hours away from me. I told him I wasn't driving all that way just for a couple of hours of sex. Has he seen the price of gas? He said that he would give me money for gas or take me to dinner or something. Maybe it's just me, but that would seem a little like prostitution or something. Whatever. Men. That's all they ever think about.

Speaking of the price of gas, our prices have gone down slightly thanks to our Governor. I hate to compliment him since he is a Republican and all. But after Hurricane Katrina, he did suspend the sales tax on gas so that the state wouldn't benefit from the sudden rise in gas prices. That's going to be in effect until the end of September and that will save us some money, thank goodness. Of course, after the hurricane there was this stupid rumor that we were going to run out of gas. The governor told us that we weren't and to just go about our normal routine. Did the stupid southerners around here listen? No. They flocked to the gas stations to fill up their cars, even if they had plenty of gas. People waited hours in line for gas. Because of that, there were a couple of gas stations that did run out of gas. Idiots. Some members of my family apparently think that the people of New Orleans are nothing but losers and thugs and the entire city should just be bombed. That's actually a quote. Also, the crime rate is probably going to increase in Texas because of the refugees that have gone there. Oh, please. Have they seen the crime statistics in Atlanta? Probably not. I'm sure my family would rather not have the hundreds of refugees in our shelters that we do have, but we do. My family drives me nuts.

I am so tired. Haven't been sleeping well. Maybe I should get some sleeping pills or something. But then again, I'm not sure I need anymore drugs.