Confessions
The other night, I was talking to my aunt Pam and we were discussing her love life. I know it may seem weird to talk about that stuff with her, but it was nice to talk with her like an adult. We weren't really talking about sex, just about the fact that the guy she's currently seeing is driving her crazy. But men do that. I made the decision to confide in her about what I've been going through. I know I said I wasn't going to tell my family, but I figured that she would be the one person in my family who wouldn't be judgmental and who would keep her mouth shut as well.
Most of my friends know what's been going with me. . . the ones who care anyway. Cindy, Laura, Kim, and Seth have been amazingly supportive. I've decided to go ahead and "come clean" with my diagnosis via blog. My reason is that there are 20 million Americans who have what I have and yet, there is still a lot of misinformation out there and people still hide it because they are ashamed of it. So here goes. I was diagnosed with having the HPV virus, an STD. Even though it's a really common one, I really didn't know that much about it. But I'm learning. It's not curable. It's also the leading cause of cervical cancer in women. But apparently there are 52 different strains of the virus and they aren't sure if I have the strain that could cause cancer. And they won't know unless I take some $400 test to determine the strain. Well, I'm not taking that test.
This is just a little gift left over from my relationship from Robert. I did call him when I found out. I have no idea if he knew before he was with me or not. Men can have the virus in their system for years without having any symptoms. Robert acted like he had never had any symptoms and he was very nice. He asked how I was doing, blah, blah, blah. He said he would call the next day. That was three weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since. That's okay because I really don't want to hear from him again. Ever. He was a selfish jerk and I know that. It's been really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have this. I feel angry and depressed and like I'm just a big slut.
I feel really guilty for even going out with Robert to begin with. The funny thing is I didn't even want to go out with him. But I did. I wish I could go back to that day and change my mind. But I can't go back in time as much as I want to. What really scares me is that I hear all these stories about how guys reject women time and time again when they hear that they have this. So I'm just afraid that I'm not going to be able to find anyone who'll accept me.
My aunt was very understanding. She did offer to give me the Republican Chrisian speech about how I'm an evil sinner who's going to hell if it would make me feel better. Haha. She told me I should probably go to a real doctor, instead of just the Health Department, which I'm going to do. My medication isn't going to work, so I'm going to have to get the doctor to use liquid nitrogen, which is basically acid. It's going to be painful and I'm not looking forward to going to the doctor alone. Then I have to worry about keeping my immune system healthy so I don't have any more outbreaks. Fabulous. Maybe if there are people out there reading this who have it too, they'll know that they aren't alone. It's so much more common than you think.
I think my depression may be easing up a little bit. I'm going to try to throw myself into my school work so that I don't have time to think about it. I will also start volunteering soon for Partnership Against Domestic Violence. It's a shelter for battered women. I'll be working the crisis line and sometimes I'll help take care of the children that are there. I've already attended one training class. I just have to wait for my background check to clear before they can tell me where the shelter is. And then I have to attend another training for the crisis line. That will be something to keep me busy.
I have to start making plans for Laura's wedding. I have to figure out hotel arrangements and when I'm flying up there. I guess I'll stay in the hotel where the wedding is if I can. I don't know what Luke and Cindy are doing or anything. I'll figure it out. I can't wait to see her get married. And I've never been to D.C. Of course I don't know if I'll be there long enough to see much. Depends on when I go, I guess. I wasn't really looking forward to going at first because of everything that's been going on. But I figured that seeing my friends and getting the hell out of Georgia will be the best medicine I need. A change of scenery will do me good. Even though my love life is a mess, seeing Luke and Laura get married will give me hope. And I wouldn't miss their wedding for anything.
Most of my friends know what's been going with me. . . the ones who care anyway. Cindy, Laura, Kim, and Seth have been amazingly supportive. I've decided to go ahead and "come clean" with my diagnosis via blog. My reason is that there are 20 million Americans who have what I have and yet, there is still a lot of misinformation out there and people still hide it because they are ashamed of it. So here goes. I was diagnosed with having the HPV virus, an STD. Even though it's a really common one, I really didn't know that much about it. But I'm learning. It's not curable. It's also the leading cause of cervical cancer in women. But apparently there are 52 different strains of the virus and they aren't sure if I have the strain that could cause cancer. And they won't know unless I take some $400 test to determine the strain. Well, I'm not taking that test.
This is just a little gift left over from my relationship from Robert. I did call him when I found out. I have no idea if he knew before he was with me or not. Men can have the virus in their system for years without having any symptoms. Robert acted like he had never had any symptoms and he was very nice. He asked how I was doing, blah, blah, blah. He said he would call the next day. That was three weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since. That's okay because I really don't want to hear from him again. Ever. He was a selfish jerk and I know that. It's been really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have this. I feel angry and depressed and like I'm just a big slut.
I feel really guilty for even going out with Robert to begin with. The funny thing is I didn't even want to go out with him. But I did. I wish I could go back to that day and change my mind. But I can't go back in time as much as I want to. What really scares me is that I hear all these stories about how guys reject women time and time again when they hear that they have this. So I'm just afraid that I'm not going to be able to find anyone who'll accept me.
My aunt was very understanding. She did offer to give me the Republican Chrisian speech about how I'm an evil sinner who's going to hell if it would make me feel better. Haha. She told me I should probably go to a real doctor, instead of just the Health Department, which I'm going to do. My medication isn't going to work, so I'm going to have to get the doctor to use liquid nitrogen, which is basically acid. It's going to be painful and I'm not looking forward to going to the doctor alone. Then I have to worry about keeping my immune system healthy so I don't have any more outbreaks. Fabulous. Maybe if there are people out there reading this who have it too, they'll know that they aren't alone. It's so much more common than you think.
I think my depression may be easing up a little bit. I'm going to try to throw myself into my school work so that I don't have time to think about it. I will also start volunteering soon for Partnership Against Domestic Violence. It's a shelter for battered women. I'll be working the crisis line and sometimes I'll help take care of the children that are there. I've already attended one training class. I just have to wait for my background check to clear before they can tell me where the shelter is. And then I have to attend another training for the crisis line. That will be something to keep me busy.
I have to start making plans for Laura's wedding. I have to figure out hotel arrangements and when I'm flying up there. I guess I'll stay in the hotel where the wedding is if I can. I don't know what Luke and Cindy are doing or anything. I'll figure it out. I can't wait to see her get married. And I've never been to D.C. Of course I don't know if I'll be there long enough to see much. Depends on when I go, I guess. I wasn't really looking forward to going at first because of everything that's been going on. But I figured that seeing my friends and getting the hell out of Georgia will be the best medicine I need. A change of scenery will do me good. Even though my love life is a mess, seeing Luke and Laura get married will give me hope. And I wouldn't miss their wedding for anything.
3 Comments:
Hey, just read your blog. I'm in Ohio and don't know you, but wanted to tell you that I was diagnosed for HPV about 5 years ago.
I don't know anything about tests to figure out what strain, but my doctor said to just make sure to get paps often (i was going every 3 months, then 6 months and now i'm back to every year) to watch it.
You definitely aren't alone, majority of women I know have it, or know someone that does.
good luck!
As you say, this is not uncommon at all. One of my best friends had a similar problem (don't know what strain), they used liquid nitrogen to 'burn' off the cells. Although she said it was an uncomfortable procedure, she was glad it was done and after several check ups she's in the clear. Good luck to you Cynthia.
Thanks Jennie and Lisa for your comments. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone. It helps. Thanks for your good wishes as well.
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