Breach of Trust??

Boy Wonder and I had a serious discussion today. I guess you would call it an argument. Of course, when we fight we don't raise our voices. I guess that's why I'm always hesitant to call what we do fighting. To me, fighting has always been about yelling.

Anyway, I always knew that Boy Wonder knew where my blog was. He "happened" to find it early in our relationship and he was upfront about that. He always said that he would never read it though. He said that he wanted to make sure I had a safe place where I could vent about life and him and whatever. He didn't want me to have to censor myself (not that I've ever said anything bad about him here anyway). He knows that this is like a journal for me. Today, I was looking on my tracking website just to see how many people were reading my blog. I'm not as obsessive about this as some people are (yes Luke, I'm talking to you), so sometimes it can be a while before I check it. Today, I noticed something interesting. There were several occasions in which someone had done a search for my blog using the search phrase "boy wonder in post author: Cynthia." I knew that had to be him, especially since the city was pretty close to where he lived. He was probably on it from work.

I called him and very calmly asked him about reading my blog. There was no hesitation, no asking me why I was asking that now; he just came right out and told me the truth. He wasn't really reading it, per se. He just checked on it a couple of times to see if it would give some insight into what I was thinking. This past month has been really rough. I've been in a funky mood and I've just been sad for no reason at times. I've been trying to tell him that it's not him, but it's hard when I'm taking out my grumpiness and frustrations out on him. He just wanted to make sure it wasn't about him, I guess. I can tell that he never searched my archives or anything. It was just like he said. He came, he glanced, he left. There were only three or four visits and the most time he spent on my blog was a minute and something.

I do kind of feel like it was a betrayal of trust. I had always told him that if he wanted to read my blog, he should tell me. Now he's saying that he feels like he hasn't been able to because of my moods. This makes me feel like crap. I still told him that if he was so concerned about me that he had looked on my blog or even was considering it, he should have told me. At least then, I could have tried harder to make him know that my moods weren't as a result of anything he had done and we could have had a conversation about it or something. He's not making excuses or anything, but I can see how he would have felt like he had no other choice (I'm only giving him an inch on that one). I don't want him to feel like he has to go to outside sources to find out what I'm thinking or why I'm upset. I do need to start opening up and confiding in him more. I'm also going to try not to take my bad moods out on him so much. I have such a hard time trusting people and I have had a hard time trusting him because of my history (both my guys and my mother). So this just feels like I'm being proven right. But I'm going to try to move past this. He made a mistake. He knows that and he won't do it again. I just have to work on some things as well.

I think I really need to see a therapist though. I'm honestly not sure how I can be a good wife to him (when the time comes) unless I work on some issues of my own. Working on these issues will also help me with my clients. I can get rid of some of my transference stuff (maybe) and I will get to see what it's like from the other side of the chair (from my client's viewpoint). I'm trying to find one, but there are a LOT of them.

Thanks to all the readers who listened to me ramble. I love Boy Wonder so much and I know he loves me. It seems like, for the most part, we can communicate with each other pretty well. We both know that we are meant to be together. Everything will work itself out, I guess.