Expecting the worst
I am so bad at this relationship thing. Seriously, I feel like a horrible girlfriend. It's not that I've really done anything, per se. I am just the type of person who is always expecting the worst out of people. I don't think I was always this way. It kind of just happened. I am just sitting around, waiting for Boy Wonder to screw up or stop loving me or something. I don't tell him that; it's just always there in the back of my mind.
He's been out of town for almost a week now and it's harder than I thought to be away from him this long. It's not like I'm one of those annoying women who have to spend every second with their boyfriend. Believe me, I'm not. I do have a life aside from just him. Last week, I was fine without him. I worked and hung out with friends. Whatever, I did my thing. I guess I didn't really start to miss him until this past weekend. Because I expect the worst, I start looking for signs that he's forgetting about me or that I'm not a priority. Like if he doesn't call me enough. Or if he can only talk for five minutes. I am trying to cut him some slack though. He's pretty much on his feet from 7 in the morning until 6 at night working. He does call me every day. He sends me text messages or emails sometimes just to say that he loves me. I'm just greedy so I always want more. I don't want to make him feel bad for not being able to talk to me more. I know he loves me (lord knows he tells me often enough) and I know he misses me. I just wish I could stop this crazy paranoia that he's going to leave me. If he hasn't yet, chances are he isn't going to. Seriously, not many men could deal with the possibility of having my sister as an in-law. But he takes it in stride.
Anyway, change of subject. Tomorrow, I start my internship. I am really excited and a little nervous as well. I guess that's to be expected, right? I can't wait to delve into the exciting world of counseling sex offenders. For nineteen hours a week, three days a week, for the next ten months, that is what I'll be doing. Oh, and this will be unpaid. The joys of grad school. Oh well. I'm hoping that I absolutely love it and if I do, I'm hoping they'll love me enough to hire me. That would rock. So far, Boy Wonder is just about the only person in my life who hasn't made me feel like a complete idiot for wanting to do this. He also thinks I might actually be good at this. He has so much faith in me and I love him for that. This week will be the easy part. This week will involve me learning the ropes and shadowing other counselors during their sessions. Next week will be the tough part. Next week will be when I get my own caseload and start seeing clients on my own. They are throwing me to the wolves. Literally.
He's been out of town for almost a week now and it's harder than I thought to be away from him this long. It's not like I'm one of those annoying women who have to spend every second with their boyfriend. Believe me, I'm not. I do have a life aside from just him. Last week, I was fine without him. I worked and hung out with friends. Whatever, I did my thing. I guess I didn't really start to miss him until this past weekend. Because I expect the worst, I start looking for signs that he's forgetting about me or that I'm not a priority. Like if he doesn't call me enough. Or if he can only talk for five minutes. I am trying to cut him some slack though. He's pretty much on his feet from 7 in the morning until 6 at night working. He does call me every day. He sends me text messages or emails sometimes just to say that he loves me. I'm just greedy so I always want more. I don't want to make him feel bad for not being able to talk to me more. I know he loves me (lord knows he tells me often enough) and I know he misses me. I just wish I could stop this crazy paranoia that he's going to leave me. If he hasn't yet, chances are he isn't going to. Seriously, not many men could deal with the possibility of having my sister as an in-law. But he takes it in stride.
Anyway, change of subject. Tomorrow, I start my internship. I am really excited and a little nervous as well. I guess that's to be expected, right? I can't wait to delve into the exciting world of counseling sex offenders. For nineteen hours a week, three days a week, for the next ten months, that is what I'll be doing. Oh, and this will be unpaid. The joys of grad school. Oh well. I'm hoping that I absolutely love it and if I do, I'm hoping they'll love me enough to hire me. That would rock. So far, Boy Wonder is just about the only person in my life who hasn't made me feel like a complete idiot for wanting to do this. He also thinks I might actually be good at this. He has so much faith in me and I love him for that. This week will be the easy part. This week will involve me learning the ropes and shadowing other counselors during their sessions. Next week will be the tough part. Next week will be when I get my own caseload and start seeing clients on my own. They are throwing me to the wolves. Literally.
1 Comments:
I do not think you're an idiot for wanting to counsel sex offenders. I think it's incredibly brave and selfless. It's a thankless job and you're a good person for doing it.
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